Falling Short leads to Dependency

I realize more and more my abilities fall short...all the time. I fail more often than not. I am beginning to be more OK with this on a daily basis. I am realizing while I am capable of much, God is more. While I have strength and abilities and talents, God is more. While I am loving and kind, God is more. That is the way it's suppose to be.

Hosea 10 says:

Sow righteousness,
reap love.
It's time to till the ready earth,
it's time to dig in with God,
Until he arrives
with righteousness ripe for harvest.
But instead you plowed wicked ways,
reaped a crop of evil and ate a salad of lies.
You thought you could do it all on your own,
flush with weapons and manpower."

Here God calls us to both wait for what He brings and work along side of Him at that same time. I so often find myself falling victim to this thought I can do it all on my own or I have to do it all on my own. Neither is true. It's less about what I bring to the table and more about what He provides; Whether it be wisdom, strength or power, He provides what I need. While I am used for His purpose, I am the optional component of this equation. He is not!

Isaiah 30:15-18

God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
"Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me—
The very thing
you've been unwilling to do...
Think again...
There'll be nothing left of you—
a flagpole on a hill with no flag,
a signpost on a roadside with the sign torn off."

¹⁸But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.

I am pretty sure I hear God call me silly girl often..I think it might be his nickname for me. But in all seriousness, I don't just want to fall back on God as a safety net; I want to be more Dependent on Him. Meaning, I don't just want to give him the glory after the fact but I want him to go first. I don't want to save myself because I am tired, I don't have the strength and minus a brief phase of wanting to be Wonder Woman (she had cool bracelets), I don't want to save the world, let alone myself. When I try, I end up beaten and left on the side of the road. Hurt and wounded, I crawl back to the Lord and beg forgiveness and ask for help. While he will always offers His help, He can't spare me the consequences of the decisions I make and I know His desire is for me to follow Him first...

God, I pray You go first. I pray I continue to be more dependent on You. You are no longer just my safety net but You are my map, my salvation and my strength, my destination and my transportation. Help me to continue to die to myself. It's You I desire. It's You I need, it's You I rely on. Help me to find the Joy in Your salvation, let Your Glory be revealed. Lead me to your feet Lord for I praise You with all I have. Love Aimee.

Stealing the Birthday Glee: Part 2

Tonight, I am printing off invitation for the Exceptional Place Birthday Extravaganza! We are having a party for all the Exceptional Kids at church and going to celebrate what amazing kids God has created. It seemed like a perfect time to finish telling you about my birthday party.

It was the best birthday party I have ever had. I don't know if I can really explain all the joy and love I received in these 2 very short hours. I had asked my family and friends if on my birthday, we could spend it with the kids from my class. We had talked in the past about having a bowling party for Exceptional Place as bowling has quickly become one of our favorite past time. Both in class (with a small set) and out of class (see Monkey Toots and Other Compliments).

We had so many birthdays and events to celebrate this summer, it seemed like perfect timing. We invited families and friends and a few of the kids and set out to bowl a few frames for the afternoon....

We took over the bowling alley (the poor management). It was truly joyful chaos and I loved every minute of it (minus the phone call from Sandi telling me about Brandon's broken leg). There was 4 lanes with at least 6 people on each lane and a few extras milling about here and there. It was a great time and here are just a few moments that stand out:

Bailey kissing my ball and "helping" me bowl as she asks a thousand questions a million miles a minute. I love that girl! I think she is has the enthusiasm of Cookie Monster paired with a hug that would...bowl you over (pun intended).

Isaac sneaking up behind me and "scaring" me every 2 minutes. Isaac can't sneak up on anything to save his life. My little piece of joy was pretending to be scared every time and watching the smile and giggle it brought to him. Isaac's parents wrote me a beautiful card and Isaac had signed his name with a heart because he said "I love you and you are so pretty." I love this kid.

Hanna's mom didn't know there was a ramp where Hanna could bowl too. We rolled Hanna up to the ramp in her wheelchair, put the ball in place and helped her bowl for the first time. The smile on her face was priceless and heavenly. Hanna bowled her first "strike" that day! It was the best birthday present I ever had.

I hope someday you all will experience the kind of love and joy I experienced this birthday. It had started out as a rough weekend but with loving care and tenacity that is gripping, I think the Lord went right out and stole my Birthday Glee back for me. Sunday night at church, Caroline sang a song which reminded me of this weekend:

Turn your eyes to Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face

and the things of earth will grow strangely dim

in the light of His Glory and Grace.

All of my problems seem dim when I look into these faces that love me and see the light of Jesus shine through.

Stealing the Birthday Glee Back: Part 1

I don't like my birthday and I really don't like telling people it's my birthday. I like to pretend it doesn't exist. I have even thrown myself a couple of reverse "surprise" birthdays, meaning I invite others over and don't tell them it's my birthday until much later (sometimes days later, I had to stop doing that because several people got mad about this, I don't know why though). I think it all started because I didn't like myself for so many years that celebrating a day about me was more painful than joyful. So needless to say I get a little glum around this time of year.

This year seemed to start out no different. Friday, I left my house only to discover my car was broken into and my rear driver side door was smashed to little itty bitty bits. It wasn't what I needed that morning. I had already planned to purchase new tires that evening (which equalled mucho mucho $$$). I was going to spend the last day in my office at work and this was also the day of a major upgrade for our computer system; all the work we normally do in a days time had to be done an hour earlier than normal. So spending 2 hours- cleaning up the mess of glass littering my parking lot, filing a police report, contacting my insurance and finding a shop to fix my door- wasn't what I had in mind. I left work early and tried to get to a shop by 4 to fix the window. Nearly 4 hours and $1000 later, my window is fixed and I have new tires that I don't yet appreciate (maybe someday, sigh). What a truly horrible day and a terrible way to start out my birthday weekend. I went to bed early and prayed I had a little peace.

Then yesterday, September 11th remembrances...all the memorials and tributes...they are beautiful and touching but it just really sent me into a spiral right down the toilet.

This morning, my sweet sweet Brandon hurt himself. This is a little boy in my class. I adore this kid. He is so charming that even when his snot is running down his nose and he is telling me fart jokes, it's all I can do not to laugh. [OK, secretly, I love fart jokes and poop jokes, and snot but don't tell him that, I have to be a good influence] He fell and broke his leg in 2 parts, how this happened we just don't know. He even fell on one of our mats that we use for safety with the swing. I am going to want to cushion the entire room after this.

At second service, I had a hard time getting the kids to settle and by the time I did get them to settle, it was over. There are moments (more than not) that I feel like a failure or an idiot or crazy or all three in the middle of class. It was a hard morning, so very hard... I earned my stripes today (not that I have any stripes but if I did I would have earned them today). As I headed out to a birthday party with my team and some families from class, my heart was heavy. I wanted to cry and give up and leave.

But I remembered a conversation I had with a parent of one of our kids yesterday. She called to say they couldn't make it to the party but really wanted too. We talked for about 20minutes, connecting about what was going on in their lives and mine. She said "This has been the best time of church going we have ever had because John is in a place where people appreciate him for where he is right now. Of course, we want him to be the best he can be but you all understand him and appreciate who he is." He had recently been worried about going to a new school and he told his mom "I don't have to worry because God is with me and he will help me." She thought he had gotten this from my class and thanked me for teaching her son.

This is the reason I do what I do. Beyond the hardship and the challenges and frustrations, this is the reason God has called me to love these kids. John having a peace and knowledge that God loves him and will help him...it's an answer to my prayers, to my hopes and dreams. It's everything that matters.

When I was ready to give up this morning, I had to give myself John's reminder and cling to the peace I so often pray for others. My God loves me fiercely. I felt my joy coming back...

Then came the party! Wait until I tell you all about the best birthday bash I have ever had. (So it wasn't just my birthday party, I did share it with others. We had 3 people have birthdays this last week and a big birthday in August, then this summer had a wedding, three graduations and 2 volunteers leaving for school this month. Plus we were going bowling and you know how we love to bowl. We were ready to party!).

It's going to have to wait because the dog needs to go out and it's late. Know that this birthday weekend ends with a great deal more delight and joy!