More than "No"

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28



I often feel like God needs a new watch. "His Timing" has become dirty words. It's Christian-ease for "I don't think so" like mom saying "We'll see" was "Forget it, Kid!" Sometimes what we want just doesn't match up with what God wants. Why can't we tell each other that? Because even when we hear no, we can hear so much more too.



I recently heard the best translation of Romans 8:28 from Jerry Cook. He was this little 72 year old Grandpa who "brought" (holla) it at a generation conference recently. He said "God is the only one who uses our stupidity and turns it into an open door for us."



I recently had God open a door to healing. I have said before I have a brother with severe mental illness and drug and alcohol addiction. He hears voices, sometimes talks strangely, or behaves weird. He is impatient and doesn't cope well with changes. In fact, he doesn't cope well when things are going good. He doesn't like to admit he needs meds or forgets to take them and instead self medicates with drugs and alcohol. His illness and addiction is destructive to the lives around him and to himself. There are moments of clarity where the old Danny comes out and we see the kind, smart, funny guy who loves us. Those are great moments. They are far and few between sometimes.



At this conference, I went to I heard another man speak. He mentioned Amy Carmicheal who was a missionary to India. She lived in the late 1800s to 1950s. She changed many peoples lives and loved well. This man shared the story of when she was a girl growing up in England, she wrote in her journal that she wanted blue eyes to be like the other girls around her. Then when she was in India, she would sometimes need to hide as an Indian for safety, so she would paint her skin and cover up and all you would be able to see where her eyes, her brown eyes which matched those around her. She wrote "Lord, I see why you gave me brown eyes to hide me amongst the suffering." She was grateful for something she didn't want. She was grateful for hearing "no."



When I was younger, I often wanted a different brother. I didn't want to deal with the problems and frustrations of having someone in your life with a mental illness. I certainly didn't want to deal with the problems of addiction. I didn't want to care he would hear voices or couldn't handle something or stopped taking his meds again or went on a binder. I was tired of all the attention my parents paid to him. I was tired of having my family disrupted because there was something wrong with Danny. I just wanted it to all go away. But God...he had other plans.



While I was sitting there in this conference, I felt God say "Aimee, it's time you were grateful for hearing no. Be grateful for Danny's illness. I put him in your life for a reason. Look at where you are now. Look at how you are using it for My Kingdom. You are reaching families with disabilities because you can relate to the heartache they go through. You can hide amongst the suffering."



Being the disobedient child I am, I said no and attempted to walk away from this giant crater God had created in my heart...I cried for three days. On the third day, I went to church to serve in my special needs Sunday school class. It was the most miserable Sunday morning I have ever had. I had one child have a giant melt down, so much so I had to pull a parent out of service. (First time in four years that has happened because of behavioral issues) Then I spent most of the third service comforting a parent whose daughter had spent the better part of three hours screaming and yelling that she hated her mom, she broke her glasses and accused her mother of abusing her. The mom was in tears, the daughter was in tears and by the end of it so was I.



I wanted to walk away from this all, feeling like a failure. But in the midst of this, something changed. I heard God say no again!



I told the child who had the break down, all the great things I loved about him: how he loves others well, how he was smart and sweet and I loved having him in class. I gave him the choice of coming back with a good attitude and willingness to follow direction. Guess what? He did. He made it through the rest of service and when his mom arrived to pick him up. He asked to stay longer.



I told the mom in tears, that I had been there too. I told her a story about when my parents were both gone for a week and I was left alone with Danny. During this time, he had a huge breakdown. He went to bed one night screaming that someone was trying to kill him and begging me to help him. I stood outside his room, crying, calling my parents, praying his meds would kick in quickly and blaming myself for his meltdown. I told her what I know now, is that the enemy was using Danny's illness to attack me. I told her "Don't let him win. Jesus is bigger than that. He is bigger than any diagnosis and He belongs right in the middle of your relationship with your daughter." I think she felt comforted. We prayed and asked for Jesus' guidance. A pastor prayed with them and comforted them too. Friends gathered around and supported them. Both her and her daughter left calmer than they came in.



Me...I left changed. Even though I don't think I am quite grateful for my brother's illness, I am grateful God can use the events in my life to reach others. I still pray daily for healing for Danny, for healing for my family. I still want that normal brother, I think I would give up just about anything for it. But I am a little more ok with hearing "no" from God. To go further on what Jerry said, I don't think God just uses our stupidity but I think He uses all stupidity. I think He is using the enemy's stupidity in the situtation with my brother. He says "You can't win here, stupid. This girl-she's mine. Her heart belongs to me and I have called her to great things for my purpose. I am winning here."



I said God shook me up. I guess this is jut part of what was underneath. It's still a little bit uncomfortable but "no" feels pretty good.

"He hath never failed thee yet.

Never will His love forget.

Oh fret not theyself nor let thy heart be troubled.

Neither let it be afraid."

-Amy Carmichael

Going deeper then catchphrases

I am finding lately that I repeat myself often. Not because of memory issues but because I like to say many things over and over again. I feel kinda like the Beav or Arnold or The Fonz... maybe it has been the influence of TV in my childhood but I am enjoying my catchphrase phase of life.





My favorite is "If you can't see the Son, be the sun." This started out because I live in the grayest place on earth. The sun seems so distant here in the northwest. Whether we like it or not, the gray rainy weather affects us. So I would enjoy putting on a bright color; a sunny yellow shirt would be my way to celebrate the spring yet to come. But then I realized this applies in other ways too. In a time of the world that seems bleak and dreary or in a place it seems to be lacking hope, it's our opportunity to be like Christ, to love or shine the light Christ has planted in us. On dreary days, I am grateful for the holes that line my life...I think God put them there to let the sun out.





I also enjoy saying "Jesus is for everyone." You see Jesus is for everyone because if he is not...well he wouldn't be Jesus now, would he? I see this regularly in the special needs ministry I coordinate at church but I also see it in my everyday life. I am not worth saving and I definitely need help to hold my head up daily. Because of Christ, it gets easier and easier to do so. When I am saying Jesus is for everyone, I don't just mean all of you...I really mean me (man, that sounds selfish and if it wasn't that it's hard for me to believe some days, I would say it was). I struggle with believing in myself, forgiving myself. My friend read me a quote from CS Lewis: "If God forgives us we must forgive ourselves otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." There is nothing higher than God. Jesus is Jesus. He is our savior and He saved each of us in the same way: by dying on the cross and God forgave Him for our sins. I read once that being childlike in your faith is to believe in the definition of who you are in God and knowing that without Christ's love you wouldn't be able to attain the fullness of who you are. I am hoping that daily I grow younger in my faith, that I accept how God defines me and attain it daily, not by my effort, but by the grace of the Man on the cross.

Fart and Roses

I went to a hockey game this weekend with 2 of the most obnoxiously adorable kids (or maybe its adorably obnoxious...I am not sure). Mackenzie and Dalton are 10 and 11 years old. They were both excited to go and were telling stories on the way. As we pulled into the parking lot, Dalton announces he farted. I laughed. I can't help it. Farts are funny to me. I told them only in my car would we laugh at farts but I guess I didn't clarify...As we walked to the arena, Mackenzie declared a "Fart and Roses" contest of sorts. Meaning they both would fart and then they would declare who was "Fart" and who was "Roses." I was laughing so hard both kids stopped to tell me to breath (then of course returned to their Fart and Roses contest).

I don't get much.
I am not a big theologian.
I don't understand what it means if you are christian or Christ-follower.
I am not a political officiatato.
I know there is a big to-do in Egypt...I haven't quite figured out why.
My blog has 2 followers, one of them my mother who doesn't read my blog.
I have already declared myself to be a bad speller.
My writing may not sell any books.
My crafts are often crooked and fall apart.
My house is messy often, I never make my bed.
I am not the bestest at anything.

But I will tell you what I do do (I just said do-do) really well. I love. In my conversations with Christ, I ask regularly for the opportunity to love the broken. "Bring me the broken Jesus." The ones who can't talk or walk, the ones who feel rejected or stupid, who are mad and angry and a little lost, the ones who society says doesn't matter. The ones that feel like they don't belong. I will give them a place to belong and share a hope in Christ. That is what I pray.

On Sunday, we had new bean bags in my special needs classroom at church. The kids loved to pile them up and run and jump on them. I call it my classroom but it's not anymore. The kids call it theirs and it truly is. I was sitting with Brandon on the floor, he tells me "You come to my church today." Marcus walking back into the classroom after worships announces "Tada! I am here."

What joy to hear those words "Tada! I am here!"
What joy to laugh along side of Mackenzie and Dalton, figuring out who is Fart and who is Roses.

As cheesy as it sounds, I hope you find your joy, wherever it may be...even if it's in the middle of a Fart and Roses contest.

Questions to demonstrate

This weekend I went to a conference on building leaders to reach the next generation from Kids to College. Wow wow Wubzie. I had one of those moments...I really think God may have moved my chair or something. I wanted to look around and see if it was the whole room or just me. I am going to wait and give you more info on that heart shaking later...for now here is a rundown on the weekend.

First, I didn't think I fit in this conference. Special needs ministry is growing but it doesn't really have a catagory it fits in. I did realize though I have every generation in my ministry. I have kids from preschool, elementary, junior high and high school. Plus the majority of the volunteers are college age. Then lets talk about the grandmothers who help in the ministry too. It's a roundhouse of generations. While it may not fit in a box as a traditional ministry, I seriously needed to hear the messages spoken...

It kicked off with sweet worship. There were 3 speakers with a break out session on the 4 ministries-Children's, Junior High, High School and College age. A huge time was spent fellowship-ing (business people call it networking, I call it standing around and chatting, Christians are good at that...me-not so much). This wasn't so much a how to find leaders conference but rather a reach down in the heart of leaders and stir them up kind of conference. We all need to be shaken and stirred occasionally and I think a little bit of both went on. Especially since each speaker left me with questions instead of answers.

Friday night was Kurt Harlow from Chi Alpha. He has spoken at New Life a couple of times. Very funny, funny man. He told many jokes. Talking with him later, he said there was a young man who sat in the front row and every time he laughed he wanted to tell another joke. A receptive audience is a great catapult.

Saturday morning was Jerry Cook. He is 72 years old, an author and grandfather. (OK so I might be a sucker for white haired men- they remind me of my grandfather-but he was my favorite). His passion was not weakened by age but rather his deliverance was strengthened by revelation. He ended to a standing ovation from a bunch of punk youth ministers who I'd say 75% were under the age of 30. Apparently the generation gap is way over there and we passed it up a long time ago. Passion in Christ is ageless.

Saturday afternoon we heard from Chad Veach. He is young man who pastors junior high, high school and college down in Pulayup. While he was going to college, he was a youth pastor at a church in East LA. There was a question and answer time before each message and the young man who introduced him asked him "What's it like going from gangsta to 4H?" He grew up in the foursquare church. His father is now running the foursquare district office for the northwest. My friend described his dad as the pastor to the pastors. Chad was excited to speak and made lots of inside jokes but at the heart was a passion encouraging young leaders to strive for a Godly standard (I am not talking about striving for perfection but rather striving for the ability to make God poppa-proud).

I said that each speaker left me with more questions but they are not questions in like I have to go seek the answers but rather questions I hope my actions are demonstrating.

From Chad Veach: He gave us a run down he called 10 Essentials for Leadership (Faith, Bible time, Prayer, Character, Patience, Humility, Work ethic, Honor, Love, Friends and Family). My questions at the end were Am I seeking these traits, Am I asking for them, Am I making them a priority in my life.

From Jerry Cook: 4 questions:
1. Did Jesus ask me to do this?
2. Are you leaving something for the next generations heart?
3. How many people can you ask for what is really in your heart?
4. Are you asking what Jesus asked-"Is there anything I can do for you?"

From Kurt Harlow: just one question that went to the heart of special needs ministry:
What is the assumption of every child in your ministry? (Translation: what do you know to be true about every child.)

It was a good conference and if I just had these questions and thoughts to ponder on for the coming season, it would have been a successful weekend. But in the midst of all these questions, God took a moment to turn my heart in another direction...Give me a couple more days and I think I will be able to share what that means...like I said I am not an out loud processor.

Snow Globes and Tears

I have laughed really hard this last several days. There has been some knee slapping going on (both figuratively and actually). Funny people in my life this weekend: Kurt Harlow (addddddddd), Maryann Cates (you know why!), Jamie Johns (the Liz Lemon of Everett), my mom (who cuts with paper...yeah that's right she does) and Betty White (she will always make me laugh).

I have also had 3 days of tears...I feel like God just took me and shook me like a snow globe...not just a little bit of shake either, where he just shook it back and forth, made all the snow just go up and fall back down in the exact same spot. No, pretty much He turned me up side down in figure 8 motion until ever little bit of me has fallen into a different spot...

I am grateful He's a God who shakes things up. He knows what's underneath that needs to be uncovered. Sometimes though, it takes a while to process all the beauty in it.

I am not an out loud processor. I wish I was because in many ways that would be so much easier. But I am not. I will take this in, the laughter and the tears and the snow globe movement. Sigh...I am not sure I know what to do with it but...

I always liked snow globes. They are so pretty and sparkly.

Look back, Look forward, Carry on

Oh, my sweet little blog! How I have missed you. We have had computer...issues, shall we say. Finally things are on the up and up for the home computers. I am excited to have my little voice back. Having been surving on my iphone for the past 3 weeks, I have realised I don't like blogging on my phone. I have done it but I like the look of the computer screen and the feel of the keyboard to be the voice to my written words.


Can I say I found everything in 2010 difficult? I am so tired of 2010. I am glad it's in the past and I am going to start out liking 2011 just on the principal that it's not 2010. Starting a new year. Do I think things will magically be easier? Not really. Do I want to forget the past year? No, not really either. I am just ready to trust in the hope my Lord has provided and deal with new problems. What a great attitude to start the year with? "Deal with new problems." Let me go back to that first statement "trust in the hope my Lord has provided." Let's just pretend I didn't say that latter part. Ok? Ok.

So...to honor the new year...let me look back at my favorite verse of 2010 and look forward to a verse the Lord keeps putting in my path:


My favorite verse 2010:
"Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner." 1 Peter 4:12-13


God's glory is magnificent and the #1 lesson I have learned this last year is that God's Glory is totally worth the difficulties and bumps of this world. It's greater than my tears and my heartbreaks. It should be my fuel in times when I am in the fire...Maybe 2010 isn't all bad because that is a great lesson to have in my arsenal. Just looking back on my journal and blog (see Swimming in Liquid Glory) from the time I have spent on this verse makes me look forward to the trials of the next year.

...which leads me to the verse that has resonated in my heart these first few days of 2011:


"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." John 16:33


I read this and I just sigh...with contentment...with anxiety...with heartbreak...with dream lust in my eyes...with a renewed hope in Jesus' veracity...


This has been my journal entry every other night for the last week and a half. Tonight I just want to focus on the strength of Jesus' words. We (us humanites) have been trying to conquer the world since the very begining but here is the one man who accomplished it and he offers me peace. I am going to take it up and carry it with me all of 2011...

Carry on friends!