More than "No"

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28



I often feel like God needs a new watch. "His Timing" has become dirty words. It's Christian-ease for "I don't think so" like mom saying "We'll see" was "Forget it, Kid!" Sometimes what we want just doesn't match up with what God wants. Why can't we tell each other that? Because even when we hear no, we can hear so much more too.



I recently heard the best translation of Romans 8:28 from Jerry Cook. He was this little 72 year old Grandpa who "brought" (holla) it at a generation conference recently. He said "God is the only one who uses our stupidity and turns it into an open door for us."



I recently had God open a door to healing. I have said before I have a brother with severe mental illness and drug and alcohol addiction. He hears voices, sometimes talks strangely, or behaves weird. He is impatient and doesn't cope well with changes. In fact, he doesn't cope well when things are going good. He doesn't like to admit he needs meds or forgets to take them and instead self medicates with drugs and alcohol. His illness and addiction is destructive to the lives around him and to himself. There are moments of clarity where the old Danny comes out and we see the kind, smart, funny guy who loves us. Those are great moments. They are far and few between sometimes.



At this conference, I went to I heard another man speak. He mentioned Amy Carmicheal who was a missionary to India. She lived in the late 1800s to 1950s. She changed many peoples lives and loved well. This man shared the story of when she was a girl growing up in England, she wrote in her journal that she wanted blue eyes to be like the other girls around her. Then when she was in India, she would sometimes need to hide as an Indian for safety, so she would paint her skin and cover up and all you would be able to see where her eyes, her brown eyes which matched those around her. She wrote "Lord, I see why you gave me brown eyes to hide me amongst the suffering." She was grateful for something she didn't want. She was grateful for hearing "no."



When I was younger, I often wanted a different brother. I didn't want to deal with the problems and frustrations of having someone in your life with a mental illness. I certainly didn't want to deal with the problems of addiction. I didn't want to care he would hear voices or couldn't handle something or stopped taking his meds again or went on a binder. I was tired of all the attention my parents paid to him. I was tired of having my family disrupted because there was something wrong with Danny. I just wanted it to all go away. But God...he had other plans.



While I was sitting there in this conference, I felt God say "Aimee, it's time you were grateful for hearing no. Be grateful for Danny's illness. I put him in your life for a reason. Look at where you are now. Look at how you are using it for My Kingdom. You are reaching families with disabilities because you can relate to the heartache they go through. You can hide amongst the suffering."



Being the disobedient child I am, I said no and attempted to walk away from this giant crater God had created in my heart...I cried for three days. On the third day, I went to church to serve in my special needs Sunday school class. It was the most miserable Sunday morning I have ever had. I had one child have a giant melt down, so much so I had to pull a parent out of service. (First time in four years that has happened because of behavioral issues) Then I spent most of the third service comforting a parent whose daughter had spent the better part of three hours screaming and yelling that she hated her mom, she broke her glasses and accused her mother of abusing her. The mom was in tears, the daughter was in tears and by the end of it so was I.



I wanted to walk away from this all, feeling like a failure. But in the midst of this, something changed. I heard God say no again!



I told the child who had the break down, all the great things I loved about him: how he loves others well, how he was smart and sweet and I loved having him in class. I gave him the choice of coming back with a good attitude and willingness to follow direction. Guess what? He did. He made it through the rest of service and when his mom arrived to pick him up. He asked to stay longer.



I told the mom in tears, that I had been there too. I told her a story about when my parents were both gone for a week and I was left alone with Danny. During this time, he had a huge breakdown. He went to bed one night screaming that someone was trying to kill him and begging me to help him. I stood outside his room, crying, calling my parents, praying his meds would kick in quickly and blaming myself for his meltdown. I told her what I know now, is that the enemy was using Danny's illness to attack me. I told her "Don't let him win. Jesus is bigger than that. He is bigger than any diagnosis and He belongs right in the middle of your relationship with your daughter." I think she felt comforted. We prayed and asked for Jesus' guidance. A pastor prayed with them and comforted them too. Friends gathered around and supported them. Both her and her daughter left calmer than they came in.



Me...I left changed. Even though I don't think I am quite grateful for my brother's illness, I am grateful God can use the events in my life to reach others. I still pray daily for healing for Danny, for healing for my family. I still want that normal brother, I think I would give up just about anything for it. But I am a little more ok with hearing "no" from God. To go further on what Jerry said, I don't think God just uses our stupidity but I think He uses all stupidity. I think He is using the enemy's stupidity in the situtation with my brother. He says "You can't win here, stupid. This girl-she's mine. Her heart belongs to me and I have called her to great things for my purpose. I am winning here."



I said God shook me up. I guess this is jut part of what was underneath. It's still a little bit uncomfortable but "no" feels pretty good.

"He hath never failed thee yet.

Never will His love forget.

Oh fret not theyself nor let thy heart be troubled.

Neither let it be afraid."

-Amy Carmichael

Snow Globes and Tears

I have laughed really hard this last several days. There has been some knee slapping going on (both figuratively and actually). Funny people in my life this weekend: Kurt Harlow (addddddddd), Maryann Cates (you know why!), Jamie Johns (the Liz Lemon of Everett), my mom (who cuts with paper...yeah that's right she does) and Betty White (she will always make me laugh).

I have also had 3 days of tears...I feel like God just took me and shook me like a snow globe...not just a little bit of shake either, where he just shook it back and forth, made all the snow just go up and fall back down in the exact same spot. No, pretty much He turned me up side down in figure 8 motion until ever little bit of me has fallen into a different spot...

I am grateful He's a God who shakes things up. He knows what's underneath that needs to be uncovered. Sometimes though, it takes a while to process all the beauty in it.

I am not an out loud processor. I wish I was because in many ways that would be so much easier. But I am not. I will take this in, the laughter and the tears and the snow globe movement. Sigh...I am not sure I know what to do with it but...

I always liked snow globes. They are so pretty and sparkly.

Look back, Look forward, Carry on

Oh, my sweet little blog! How I have missed you. We have had computer...issues, shall we say. Finally things are on the up and up for the home computers. I am excited to have my little voice back. Having been surving on my iphone for the past 3 weeks, I have realised I don't like blogging on my phone. I have done it but I like the look of the computer screen and the feel of the keyboard to be the voice to my written words.


Can I say I found everything in 2010 difficult? I am so tired of 2010. I am glad it's in the past and I am going to start out liking 2011 just on the principal that it's not 2010. Starting a new year. Do I think things will magically be easier? Not really. Do I want to forget the past year? No, not really either. I am just ready to trust in the hope my Lord has provided and deal with new problems. What a great attitude to start the year with? "Deal with new problems." Let me go back to that first statement "trust in the hope my Lord has provided." Let's just pretend I didn't say that latter part. Ok? Ok.

So...to honor the new year...let me look back at my favorite verse of 2010 and look forward to a verse the Lord keeps putting in my path:


My favorite verse 2010:
"Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner." 1 Peter 4:12-13


God's glory is magnificent and the #1 lesson I have learned this last year is that God's Glory is totally worth the difficulties and bumps of this world. It's greater than my tears and my heartbreaks. It should be my fuel in times when I am in the fire...Maybe 2010 isn't all bad because that is a great lesson to have in my arsenal. Just looking back on my journal and blog (see Swimming in Liquid Glory) from the time I have spent on this verse makes me look forward to the trials of the next year.

...which leads me to the verse that has resonated in my heart these first few days of 2011:


"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." John 16:33


I read this and I just sigh...with contentment...with anxiety...with heartbreak...with dream lust in my eyes...with a renewed hope in Jesus' veracity...


This has been my journal entry every other night for the last week and a half. Tonight I just want to focus on the strength of Jesus' words. We (us humanites) have been trying to conquer the world since the very begining but here is the one man who accomplished it and he offers me peace. I am going to take it up and carry it with me all of 2011...

Carry on friends!

Grace, Mercy and Snot

I found myself laughing after my prayer time this morning. It went something like this:

God,
Thank you for the grace you give me everyday. Help me be an example of that grace and mercy. (sniff) Go before me, so that I can follow in the steps you have planted and be used for your purpose. (sniff) Forgive me the things that keep me from being the woman you desire and deserve. (sniff) Help me to give myself the same mercy you give me and ask that I give others. I love you and worship you and seek you. (sniff) (blow my nose)...
Also if you could take care the snot that would be great. I would rather clean up other people's than mine. Thanks God. Love you.

I like snot...just not my own. (OK that sounds really bad...)

Grace Like Hot Potatoes

It's been so long since I have sat down to blog. I am still finding my wings in this blogging world...wrestling with ideas and topics and things to say. I am still struggling with expressing the fullness of what is on my heart. I know that seems strange as those who know me will tell you I am not quiet...but many times I hold back what is fully going on in my thoughts and heart. I am learning to be me and that it's OK to be me because my God loves me, delights in me even. I am learning it's OK to change me too. To look at things different or in new ways and to enjoy change. Not fear it. Growing can be a beautiful terrifying thing.


Tonight, (big breath) I am enjoying a change.

I was reading Jonah these last couple of weeks. We were talking about Jonah in my Sunday school class...on obedience (of course.) I have to say I had never read it as an adult. It was comforting to put aside the childhood version and settle into the grownup version, to see it in a new light and hear from God. My breath is always stolen when I am reminded that the Word is a living, breathing form of God's love.


Here is the story of Jonah, chapter 4 and here is what I heard:




Jonah after having been given a second chance to obey God, went to Nineveh and informed them of the consequences of the lives they chosen. The people then choose to turn away from their lives of sin and turn towards God. God, being the good God he is, choose to forgive them and spare their lives. Jonah gets mad at this and leaves (I am sensing a theme in his life). He literally goes into the desert and pouts. God presents him with a shade tree that grew over night and then takes it away. Jonah gets mad again. God says what right do you have to get mad? You didn't do anything to grow this tree. It was me. Just like it was me who saved Nineveh and just like it's me who gets to choose to forgive them. (I am paraphrasing here of course.)

Jonah describes God in his words: "I knew you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness!"

What a great God Jonah knows! He personally knew God's grace and mercy and was given a second chance to not only be obedient but also be used by God for his plan and purpose. Yet, Jonah is mad about this because Jonah (now said with a sarcastic head bobble) wanted to keep that grace and mercy for himself.

This is where I should declare Jonah to be a selfish, selfish man and a great disappointment to the Lord...but maybe Jonah thought there was only enough grace for him. Maybe he thought God would run out of Grace and Mercy and thought somehow he was the only one who needed it and deserved it.

I do this. I so want to store up God's graces like I am some kind of squirrel who is storing up nuts for the winter. I pack them away in the tree house of my heart and think they are just for me. Maybe someday, when I have enough for the long winter, I will share with others. But really grace is something I shouldn't hold on to. It's more like hot potatoes then nuts. Pass it on to whoever you can, as quick as possible because when you let go, you open up your hands to receive more grace and if you don't then you run the risk of being like Jonah and getting a little burned.

See truthfully God never runs out of grace or mercy or forgiveness...not for us...not for you and and not for me...really he is just lending them to us...playing one big hot potato game. Pass it on.

Falling Short leads to Dependency

I realize more and more my abilities fall short...all the time. I fail more often than not. I am beginning to be more OK with this on a daily basis. I am realizing while I am capable of much, God is more. While I have strength and abilities and talents, God is more. While I am loving and kind, God is more. That is the way it's suppose to be.

Hosea 10 says:

Sow righteousness,
reap love.
It's time to till the ready earth,
it's time to dig in with God,
Until he arrives
with righteousness ripe for harvest.
But instead you plowed wicked ways,
reaped a crop of evil and ate a salad of lies.
You thought you could do it all on your own,
flush with weapons and manpower."

Here God calls us to both wait for what He brings and work along side of Him at that same time. I so often find myself falling victim to this thought I can do it all on my own or I have to do it all on my own. Neither is true. It's less about what I bring to the table and more about what He provides; Whether it be wisdom, strength or power, He provides what I need. While I am used for His purpose, I am the optional component of this equation. He is not!

Isaiah 30:15-18

God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
"Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me—
The very thing
you've been unwilling to do...
Think again...
There'll be nothing left of you—
a flagpole on a hill with no flag,
a signpost on a roadside with the sign torn off."

¹⁸But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.

I am pretty sure I hear God call me silly girl often..I think it might be his nickname for me. But in all seriousness, I don't just want to fall back on God as a safety net; I want to be more Dependent on Him. Meaning, I don't just want to give him the glory after the fact but I want him to go first. I don't want to save myself because I am tired, I don't have the strength and minus a brief phase of wanting to be Wonder Woman (she had cool bracelets), I don't want to save the world, let alone myself. When I try, I end up beaten and left on the side of the road. Hurt and wounded, I crawl back to the Lord and beg forgiveness and ask for help. While he will always offers His help, He can't spare me the consequences of the decisions I make and I know His desire is for me to follow Him first...

God, I pray You go first. I pray I continue to be more dependent on You. You are no longer just my safety net but You are my map, my salvation and my strength, my destination and my transportation. Help me to continue to die to myself. It's You I desire. It's You I need, it's You I rely on. Help me to find the Joy in Your salvation, let Your Glory be revealed. Lead me to your feet Lord for I praise You with all I have. Love Aimee.

High Maintenance Love

I am in this season of change. I am moving closer to being the girl God wants me to be and it's the hardest thing ever, laying down the baggage of the past and picking up the habits of the King. I don't know if you know this or not but God is high maintenance! Loving Him is hard work...but it's also the best 'work' I have ever done. I don't know how I went so long without that personal relationship with him. I can't imagine not talking with Him daily anymore.



The other day, I was reading in Psalms and I came a cross a verse which just matched how I was feeling. I was surprise and pleased...He knew how I was going to feel on this day way in advance. He prepared my eyes to see this verse in this one moment. I felt like He was waiting for me. I often feel like He is waiting for me. In the past, I have felt guilty for this, Especially when He has to tell me something many times (many many many times). Now I just feel loved.



While God may be high maintenance and require an effort to know him on our part, He also love us with a High maintenance love. He loves us beyond our screw ups and mess ups. He loves us even without us loving him. He will bring together all of humanity and time to win the heart of one of his children. He constantly waits for us because he has prepared the steps ahead for us. He nudges or provokes us until we are in the one spot where he can reach us. While he is ahead preparing our way to him, he is also walking beside us in our journey.



It's the Highest Maintenance Love that can be found. It was there before our world was created and will be there always. I am so grateful for it. I never want to stop being surprised and pleased by His Love.

"We’re ready to study God, eager for God-knowledge. As sure as dawn breaks, so sure is his daily arrival. He comes as rain comes, as spring rain refreshing the ground.” Hosea 6:3

Waiting with random thoughts

I Am trying to start working. Restarting my computer for the third time. Just thinking about the hope of the day.

I enjoyed last night, sitting around talking with friends and watching a bad movie. Making fun of each other in a joyful way, in the way only people who love you can.

I was laughing yesterday at a patient. She's 90 and went to open her bedroom window and told me "I will open my window now, I have the correct technology for that." Then she noticed I had to take her vitals and she needed to stand still, she said it again "I have the right technology for that." I said yes her two feet. She thought that was funny. This is the same lady who tells me " Don't pick up any naked hitchhikers or take any wooden nickels." Both of which seem self evident.

Oh the funny stories I hear when I am working. Speaking of which I better get back to work now that my computer has finished restarting for the third time.

Thanks for listening to the random thoughts of Aimee Lu.

Loving by Faith-Teaching by Braille

I love what I do. I really truly mean that. I love being a nurse and taking care of people. I love the physical labor of caring for someone who can't care for themselves. There is beauty in it. Wither its taking care of a wound or teaching a five year old about his diabetes or wiping a bottom on the old and the frail, it's the everyday thing that says "You are caring for one of God's children. You are His hands." It's a privilege and joy even on the hard days.

While I love this job, my true joy comes in a classroom of special needs children every Sunday morning. They are the broken (truth be told, we are all broken just like them but their brokenness doesn't fit in the realm of what is culturally normal or accepted). Some are physically disabled, some are developmentally disabled, some are socially disabled (meaning they don't know how to act around other people) and some are all three. I was asked why I have patience with these kids. I don't know. God has called me to love them for Him. I don't understand it but I will accept it and follow where he has led me. My heart leaps with the Joy He has provided me with these kids.

I often say in my class that it's our job to remember the blessings will always out weigh the challenges. I believe these kids aren't just here so their parents can get fed. They are here in our church because they are an important integral part of our church body. God has called them to be in our family and as such we will love them as He has asked.

Every child should have the word of God in their lives, even if you don't think they understand it, or even hear it. I believe God is bigger than what I can see and His words of love have power and strength in them. I don't want to stand in the way. Jesus is for everyone. I am not a filter for Jesus. I can’t just simply say we love you without also sharing the same words God has given you and me. We are here to share His love- all of it. I call this Teaching by Braille as I usually feel pretty blind in how I am going to reach them, but I ask the Lord to lead and I step out in faith. Most days I feel like I have failed but I continue to believe the Holy Spirit will work in their lives. I may never see how that happens but I will trust the Lord knows how. This has strengthened my faith in so many ways.

This summer we had been talking about creation. I don't have big lesson plans or stories. I am happy some Sundays when they make eye contact. Sometimes there are those who can participate in the story, but most of the time, these kids can’t. Some can’t speak or hear or see or understand or remember what I said five minutes before; I remember though their bodies and souls are broken, their spirit isn’t and just like you and me their spirit needs to be feed too. Nothing is too big for the Holy Spirit; no diagnosis, no disability, no challenge.

As I shared the story of creation, I simply focused on: God created everything, God created them, God loves them, and we love them. I believe in a God who doesn't make mistakes and these kids are not mistakes. Maybe their disabilities are consequences of living in a fallen world but they are not mistakes. They are children who are made in God's image. Our verse this summer echoes the love He feels for these kids:

God saw what He had made; and it was good, so very good.

Genesis 1:31-

God created them and he loves them and while I don't understand why they are made the way they are, I know His plan and purpose is beyond perfect:

It’s good, so very good!

As I am called to love like His Son, I get the privilege of celebrating these magnificent children of the creator of the universe.

Let me encourage you tonight to love big.

Love Big and the Lord will provide.

Love by faith and the Lord will lead.

Monkey Toots and other compliments

Yep, folks, I said it "Monkey Toots" and it's a compliment, trust me:

In February, my church honored me with an award for following one of our core values: loving. I have spent the last five years serving in a special needs Sunday school classroom. When I first started, we had eight kids and now we currently have 25 kids and 23 families. I was told I deserved it and I am doing a wonderful job "pastoring" these kids. It was a sweet award and I am grateful for it and the support from my church family. I felt encouraged to continue to Love like Jesus. And while this is more than enough, God continues to encourage me. Here are three compliments which stand out:

The first was when two woman who I respect tell me "Aimee, you are such a light in this world." In a time where I am struggling, it is good to know the light of Jesus always shines through. My God conquers all!

The second came when one of our kids came in the class and says "Aimee, you're my best friend and I brought you a surprise." Then hands me a kit-kat bar. I am so in love with her. She calls me a friend and gives me chocolate. Who wouldn't be in love? Her mother also said "my family is so sweet." and when I agreed, she said "No, I am talking about you." I wanted to weep with joy. My God is magnificent!

The 3rd came in the form of two little boys who thought they were up to no good. Last weekend I took Isaac, a 14 year old boy with down syndrome and Dalton, a 10 year old boy with multiple physical and developmental issues, bowling. I have known Dalton for 7 years now, I started out as a nurse and ended up as a part of the family. In the past year, I have gotten to take him for a weekend once a month or so and just spend some time with him. He thinks it's just for him but truth be told, I think I have as much fun as he does.

He had asked all weekend if we could go bowling with Isaac and I kept saying "we'll see." Then Sunday, he asked Isaac's mom, she was swamped at home and thought she would pass. I said I would take the boys and her and her husband could get some stuff done at home. We went to a small place near my house. Ordered pizza and bowled a few frames. They had a blast. It didn't matter if they would hit the pins or throw the ball in the wrong lane (seriously, this happened twice). You could hear them from any part of the bowling alley. They cheered themselves on, they cheered for the kid on one side or the group of twenty somethings on the other side and they cheered for me. They cheered for me the loudest; All I had to do was stand up there and drop the ball and they were yelling "Yahoo! Good Job Aimee! Way to Go!" They did a little dance when I bowled a strike. One woman came up to me asked how I knew them because these kids adored me. I don't think I have laughed that hard in a long time.

On the way home, they were making animal noises in the back seat. I would guess what kind of animals I had...I think I hear elephants...I think I hear cows...I think I hear monkeys. Then I made the mistake of saying "I think I smell monkeys in the back seat." They thought that was hilarious. Isaac told me "Aimee, you smell like a dog." I was trying not to laugh as I pretended to be flabbergasted by this. They were giving each other high fives in the backseat and snorting with laughter. I asked if I couldn't smell like cupcakes instead or cotton candy or chocolate (or other food words that start with a c) but they said no and tried to out do each other in telling me what I smell like. Dalton says "You smell like a camel." High-five. Isaac says "You smell like a lion." Another high-five. Dalton again, "You smell like a monkey." Now they have moved on to fist bumps.

Then Isaac says the grand daddy of them all, "Aimee, you smell like monkey toots."

I almost snorted in laughter. It was hard to keep a straight face. After we dropped Isaac home, I told Dalton I couldn't believe they had said I smell like monkey toots. And Dalton in all seriousness, tells me "Aimee, it's a compliment, it's a compliment in our heads."

Apparently, God has a sense of humor because this is my love language: 2 little boys telling me I smell like horrible animal bi-products and it's a compliment.

My God loves me! I am reminded of Psalm 23: My cup over flows. Tonight my heart over flows.

Word Art or Translation part 2

I began by rewriting a famous Psalm and ended up with an art piece. All along it felt like worship. God speaks in so many ways. How amazing!

I once said when first reading the Message that I couldn't imagine being bold enough to attempt to 'rewrite' God's words...I need to be more careful what I say. Here I am spending the evening with a personal translation from the Lord. What freedom there is in His unending Love!

Translation

Psalm 23
A David Psalm
1-3 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

4 Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I'm not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd's crook
makes me feel secure.

5 You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

6 Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I'm back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.


Psalm 23
An Aimee Song

My prayer for tonight:

God, my constant provider! I don't need a thing.
You have put me to rest in the bed of your arms,
you find me quiet times to fill my thirst.
True to your promises, you let me catch my breath
and correct the direction of my heart.

Even when the path to bring me closer to you
leads me through darkness,
I'm not afraid when you walk me through it.
Your love draws me in and makes me feel secure.

You care for my needs beyond my imagination
even in front of those who do me harm.
You revive my broken heart;
my life brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me
every day, every hour, every moment of my life.
I'm where I belong,
home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

Swimming in Liquid Glory

I am impatient. I don't like to wait for change to happen. I don't like a slow process or many steps. I want change to happen with a snap of the finger or a blink (oh to be Samantha from Bewitch! wiggle your nose and get what you want, that would be amazing!). Yet I was thrilled several months ago reading this verse in 1 Peter:

Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.

Glory just around the corner? Seriously. I live in a world where 7-11 is just around the corner, Applebees is your neighborhood bar and grill, Wal-Mart has it all and for a bargain, and if that doesn't work, Amazon delivers. Peter is talking about God being around the corner, his Glory? Really? just around the corner? My corner? That sounds too easy?

I would meagerly define God's glory as seeing, hearing, touching, smelling God, Knowing he exists from every pore of your body but that just doesn't even begin to define it. I know in my limited, blinded time on this earth, I have had moments where God has shown me His Glory and I have been moved to tears and trembled in the sight of it. The old Testament says Moses was allowed to see a glimpse of God's glory but to see the face of God would kill a man. I think maybe I have seen a sliver of a sliver of an ant's toe nail of God's glory. Yet it has drawn me in like it's a tornado stirring up everything in it's path. I want to seek it out and find it again and again and again. And when I read that His Glory is just around the corner...well, this makes me want to hunt it, like its' some treasure marked with an x. I want to go running around my block until I run right into it. I want to swim in his glory from head to toe and roll around in it until it takes my breath away. I am excited with the hope of it.

For days after this, I dreamt about a big bowl of liquid glory which engulfed me and comforted me and thrilled me. All I could focus on was His Glory. I was promised it was just around the corner...

God's glory isn't something I earn or deserve. His glory is already paid for and given though the radiance which is His Son on the cross. I get to participate in it. I simply get to walk in a path designed to bring me closer everyday. And this verse reminds me to take comfort that this path is thick and heavy with problems, frustrations, heartbreaks, detours, mountains and mole hills, loses and devastation, catastrophes, disasters, difficulties, impossibilities and improbabilities. But all of those things don't matter.

You know why?

Glory is just around the corner.

Lord,
Thank you for filling me with hope tonight.
Reminding me of the promises a life lived with you is worth.
For wetting my taste buds with glory that is yet to come.
For radiating your Father's love in your death.
I pray I continue to walk the path you have laid out for me.
Help me clinge to the hope of your words.
In your might name.
Amen.

When pride stinks...

I have been thinking about my next blog post for sometime now...stories role around in my head and I think 'oh they will like that.'...Then I hear the Lord whisper 'Aimee, that's your pride showing.'

Insert Jaws theme...the dreaded P word. How I want to deny it exists. How I wish it wasn't a part of my makeup. How I squirm in my seat just thinking about it. I feel like a little kid squirming uncomfortable with the knowledge the teacher is going to call on me next.

Yes, Pride is such a thorn in my back side. The funny thing is I was going to write about how God has been working on my pride through my little dog Jack. I had this big sob story. You see my little dog is quite a handful. He's not the most friendliest of dog or most well behaved. But I work on it with him and he has good days and bad days and some somewhere in between. He was abused as a puppy (insert tear) and he is still very fearful which comes out as occasional aggression towards others and especially other animals (if you have a tail, stay away from Jack). I have had him for 2 years now and though he loves me, there are days when he is scared of me. The other day I got one of those instant biscuit tubes out of the fridge and simply turned around with him under my feet, he tucks his tail and runs outta the kitchen, like I am going to hit him with it. I have never hit this dog, I barely correct him. I was devastated that after 2 years, he
would think I would hurt him. I know it looks like a stick but please. Then I got to thinking who did I think I was? Like how am I going to heal the abuses of the pasts, how am I going to correct what was wrong but already done to this creature? That's God's job. He is the
ultimate healer. I am just called to love like he does. Then I think do I do this with the lord. Do I tuck my tail and run out the room when I think correction is going to happen. OK...now I think my pride has been checked and I can move on (like it will never happen again).

But noooooo...several weeks later, my lovely little dog begins peeing and moaning every time he tries to jump. Of course this is also the week I got thee most horrible respiratory flu in my life (temperatures, lost my voice, horrible hacking cough), all I wanted to do was be curled up in my bed with the covers over my head. I am a good pet owner so even though I was sick, I did take him to see his favorite vet. I kind of mimed what I needed to say to her (since my voice sounded like a record on sand paper) and she went to examine him. He promptly bit her. I feel so terrible, she was of course graceful and insists we try again. She examines his hips and tail and
says OK something is not quite right. Time for xrays.

"His hips are dislocated."

She said "hips" meaning both of them. At the top of my non-existent voice I scream "What? He is 4 years old, how does he dislocate his hips?" Really I am thinking 'Man am I a horrible pet owner? I don't even know how he did this.' She says this happens to some dogs and more than likely it will happen again with him. She recommends they put him under today, take more xrays and try to pop the hips back in their sockets. Of course I said yes, immediately and she goes to take him from the room.

"Oh by the way, he's had diarrhea. It's probably just because he is nervous."

I never want to hear those words again in my life. I come to pick him up from he is little ordeal at the Vet and the techs says he's had this problem several more times. In fact, I have to come back tomorrow for his leash because they had to do laundry, it was so bad. I apologise and listen carefully to the directions to care for him and rush back home as quickly as possible as I don't want to have this problem in my car. We make it through the evening and I think I am
home free. I am exhausted, I feel so bad for my little guy. I tuck us into bed and fall asleep, so thankful the day is done.

OH, HOW NAIVE I WAS!

We had runs at midnight, 2am and somewhere between 4 and 6am. Two baths in one night, a pile of laundry, 1 bottle a febreeze and several runs down the stairs and out to the puppy patch, 2 telephone calls with the all night vet line, an urgent text to my mom in the morning
to request medication be picked up immediately! I am dizzy with the combination of medication, lack of sleep and the terror we will need to run downstairs again (Are you snickering? I am glad you can laugh at the misery) I couldn't breath, never so grateful for the flu in my life. I can't do laundry in my apartment building until 8am. So everything was washed out as best it could be
but I NEED to do laundry. I get in there as soon as 8 am rolls around...

OH WAIT, NO SOAP!

Are you kidding me? I am desperate at this time. Everything stinks to the point that even with all my congestion I am starting to smell it. Oh what can I do? I hate (capital letters are needed) HATE asking for help but I give in. I go and ask my neighbor down the hall, this sweet old lady. I ask if I could borrow some soap, of course, I don't have a voice. She is very sweet and lends me the soap, and offers to go to the store for me and knocks on my door 3 times that day to check on me.

I knew it would be uncomfortable when God starts working in your heart on things you don't even want to acknowledge is there. But really, did it have to be stinky too?

I so don't want to be in this place where I need to ask for help (trust me, I know this is pride, I try to bargain with God that it's OK but it doesn't seem to be working). I was all set to tell you this story which I have just told you. Then yesterday, I realised I was still holding on to this pride. I was sitting on the bed of a patient who told me he was depressed. He was laid up for 6 months, loosing his business, frustrated with the economy, feeling weak that he now had to rely on his wife for basic care. His pride, he admits, is wounded. He told me if he had to do it all over again, he would go back to the way it was, he didn't want to go through all of this, even if it somehow made him better and more able to care for his family and business.

I began to ponder this...OK God, I get it. I don't want to go back to the way I was, I don't want to let my pride separate us any more.

Oswald Chambers says "After every darkness comes a mixture of delight and humiliation...delight in hearing God speak, but chiefly humiliation-What a long time I was in hearing that! And yet God has been saying it all these days and weeks. Now He gives you the gift of humiliation which brings the softness of heart that will always listen to God now."

My heart is softening and for at least today, I can lay my pride at your feet. Thank you for loving me through the darkness, using those around me to change my heart and putting me in that place where desperation wins over holding on to my pride. Thank you for the gift of humilation. I give you the glory and will presist in loving you like crazy.

How my heart started to mend...

As a teenager, I was an angry little brat. I admit this openly and with shame. I was so lost. I was mad at the world, my family and especially my God. Truthfully, at the time I didn't even want to acknowledge him.

At the time, I was watching my family fall apart, watching my brother lose his mind and find comfort in drugs and alcohol. I hated my own skin and who I was. I hid in books and food and denied God access to my heart. My closet was full of junky clothes without color, a wanna be grunge rocker, my clothes frequently had holes and smelled. Lots of grey flannel and occasional neon orange hair was the shell to my true heart which was cracking and breaking. I pushed everyone away and hid as deep as I could.

It was years later, when I was living in Iowa that my heart began to break from that shell. I had a visit from my mom's best friend Carol. She showed up at my door with a box of food and the name of churches to try. We spent the weekend shopping at thrift stores (one of Carol's favorite hobbies) and tried a new church.

Carol was one of my Sunday school teachers and a woman who loves whole heartily and generously. Her friendship to my family was such a precious gift growing up. My brother and I called her 'Buddy' because she was so special, she also always called us her buddy. Many times, adults can fake caring for kids but not Carol. To know her is to know her love. She is one of those people who truly examples how Jesus calls us to love. That weekend, Carol simply loved as best as I would let her. She knocked and knocked at my heart and we had long conversations, many uncomfortable and challenging to the anger I had allowed to envelope me. As she left that weekend she told me "I will pray you stop being anger at God and let him love you."

Big old crack in my shell!

I wish I could tell you that my story was a simple turn right that moment and I stopped being angry at God but it wasn't that easy. Anger can be so consuming when you live it for so many years. It was a slow process to allow God back into my life. I know now I was angry at the one who could take all my anger and never leave me or stop loving me. He is passionate for me and used so many moments in my life to chip away at my shell.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

The only thing that separated me from God was me. I chose to allow my anger to be a door between my heart and the greatest love I will ever know. I wish I could say right now I will never be angry at God again but I can't. I know anger is this disease which can creep back. I pray regularly that I seek him and cling to him, that I sing his praises and I love like his son. I still have so many challenges and adventures to come. I thank God for Carol and many more who loved me in spite of me and saw past my shell. I thank God for mending my heart and leading me home.

Because you've always stood up for me,
I'm free to run and play.
I hold on to you for dear life,
and you hold me steady as a post.
Psalm 63:7-8

Do over!

Don't you remember your childhood games? You always wanted to call a do-over or a thousand do-overs when you would mess up. I always did...I was a huge clutz (still am). Your friends wouldn't let you but when you were playing with your dad, he would always say "ok just one more time". Well here we go...

I call a do over to blogging. I tried it, thought I failed and gave up. But I think it must be something you must practice at. So I will try again. I don't have to be great. I have read some great blogs...Rosemary Jones...you rock my heart. I just have to be me. I always think I don't know the answer to that question but I am learning that's really not the answer. The truth of the matter is I am in motion, permant motion, perpetual (I just learned to spell that) motion to the arms of the creater of the moon and the stars and boogers (I think they are amazing in a gross kind of way and they tell us so much about a person). He is my friend, my champion, my teacher and my savior.

One of my favorite images that the Lord has given me was when I was first a believer doing a bible study at my dinning room table. I had books and dishes and stuff stashed around me (I can be a clutter queen). I was sitting in one of my most amazing dinning room chairs, they are these 1950s green vinyl wooden chairs, I found them on the side of the road and literally did a u-turn in the middle of the road to go back and get them. Then had to talk my mom into coming and picking them up because they didn't fit in the back of my little Ford Focus. I love these chairs, they are comfortable and I kind of settle into them and can stay there for hours. Add an extra pillow and hot cup of tea and it's about as close to prefection as I can get, even better if I am in thralled with a good book. I was all alone, doing some study, I can't even remember what one and I am in my chair and my feet are up on the chair next to me. I look across the table and I see Jesus, sitting there too. Just watching me, smiling, his foot propped up on the chair too, just relaxing with me. It brings tears to my eyes, the savior of mankind cares enough about me to sit and watch while I learn about him.

In that moment I knew that I would never be alone. My life may be one big do-over (starting for a hundred tomorrows) but my heavenly Father will always be there to say "ok one more time." So here goes. Nobody might read this but maybe my mom and that's ok. It's my voice and my story and it's perpetually in motion or occasionally sitting at the dinning room table with Jesus!