I often feel like God needs a new watch. "His Timing" has become dirty words. It's Christian-ease for "I don't think so" like mom saying "We'll see" was "Forget it, Kid!" Sometimes what we want just doesn't match up with what God wants. Why can't we tell each other that? Because even when we hear no, we can hear so much more too.
I recently heard the best translation of Romans 8:28 from Jerry Cook. He was this little 72 year old Grandpa who "brought" (holla) it at a generation conference recently. He said "God is the only one who uses our stupidity and turns it into an open door for us."
I recently had God open a door to healing. I have said before I have a brother with severe mental illness and drug and alcohol addiction. He hears voices, sometimes talks strangely, or behaves weird. He is impatient and doesn't cope well with changes. In fact, he doesn't cope well when things are going good. He doesn't like to admit he needs meds or forgets to take them and instead self medicates with drugs and alcohol. His illness and addiction is destructive to the lives around him and to himself. There are moments of clarity where the old Danny comes out and we see the kind, smart, funny guy who loves us. Those are great moments. They are far and few between sometimes.
At this conference, I went to I heard another man speak. He mentioned Amy Carmicheal who was a missionary to India. She lived in the late 1800s to 1950s. She changed many peoples lives and loved well. This man shared the story of when she was a girl growing up in England, she wrote in her journal that she wanted blue eyes to be like the other girls around her. Then when she was in India, she would sometimes need to hide as an Indian for safety, so she would paint her skin and cover up and all you would be able to see where her eyes, her brown eyes which matched those around her. She wrote "Lord, I see why you gave me brown eyes to hide me amongst the suffering." She was grateful for something she didn't want. She was grateful for hearing "no."
When I was younger, I often wanted a different brother. I didn't want to deal with the problems and frustrations of having someone in your life with a mental illness. I certainly didn't want to deal with the problems of addiction. I didn't want to care he would hear voices or couldn't handle something or stopped taking his meds again or went on a binder. I was tired of all the attention my parents paid to him. I was tired of having my family disrupted because there was something wrong with Danny. I just wanted it to all go away. But God...he had other plans.
While I was sitting there in this conference, I felt God say "Aimee, it's time you were grateful for hearing no. Be grateful for Danny's illness. I put him in your life for a reason. Look at where you are now. Look at how you are using it for My Kingdom. You are reaching families with disabilities because you can relate to the heartache they go through. You can hide amongst the suffering."
Being the disobedient child I am, I said no and attempted to walk away from this giant crater God had created in my heart...I cried for three days. On the third day, I went to church to serve in my special needs Sunday school class. It was the most miserable Sunday morning I have ever had. I had one child have a giant melt down, so much so I had to pull a parent out of service. (First time in four years that has happened because of behavioral issues) Then I spent most of the third service comforting a parent whose daughter had spent the better part of three hours screaming and yelling that she hated her mom, she broke her glasses and accused her mother of abusing her. The mom was in tears, the daughter was in tears and by the end of it so was I.
I wanted to walk away from this all, feeling like a failure. But in the midst of this, something changed. I heard God say no again!
I told the child who had the break down, all the great things I loved about him: how he loves others well, how he was smart and sweet and I loved having him in class. I gave him the choice of coming back with a good attitude and willingness to follow direction. Guess what? He did. He made it through the rest of service and when his mom arrived to pick him up. He asked to stay longer.
I told the mom in tears, that I had been there too. I told her a story about when my parents were both gone for a week and I was left alone with Danny. During this time, he had a huge breakdown. He went to bed one night screaming that someone was trying to kill him and begging me to help him. I stood outside his room, crying, calling my parents, praying his meds would kick in quickly and blaming myself for his meltdown. I told her what I know now, is that the enemy was using Danny's illness to attack me. I told her "Don't let him win. Jesus is bigger than that. He is bigger than any diagnosis and He belongs right in the middle of your relationship with your daughter." I think she felt comforted. We prayed and asked for Jesus' guidance. A pastor prayed with them and comforted them too. Friends gathered around and supported them. Both her and her daughter left calmer than they came in.
Me...I left changed. Even though I don't think I am quite grateful for my brother's illness, I am grateful God can use the events in my life to reach others. I still pray daily for healing for Danny, for healing for my family. I still want that normal brother, I think I would give up just about anything for it. But I am a little more ok with hearing "no" from God. To go further on what Jerry said, I don't think God just uses our stupidity but I think He uses all stupidity. I think He is using the enemy's stupidity in the situtation with my brother. He says "You can't win here, stupid. This girl-she's mine. Her heart belongs to me and I have called her to great things for my purpose. I am winning here."
I said God shook me up. I guess this is jut part of what was underneath. It's still a little bit uncomfortable but "no" feels pretty good.
"He hath never failed thee yet.
Never will His love forget.
Oh fret not theyself nor let thy heart be troubled.
Neither let it be afraid."
-Amy Carmichael
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