As a teenager, I was an angry little brat. I admit this openly and with shame. I was so lost. I was mad at the world, my family and especially my God. Truthfully, at the time I didn't even want to acknowledge him.
At the time, I was watching my family fall apart, watching my brother lose his mind and find comfort in drugs and alcohol. I hated my own skin and who I was. I hid in books and food and denied God access to my heart. My closet was full of junky clothes without color, a wanna be grunge rocker, my clothes frequently had holes and smelled. Lots of grey flannel and occasional neon orange hair was the shell to my true heart which was cracking and breaking. I pushed everyone away and hid as deep as I could.
It was years later, when I was living in Iowa that my heart began to break from that shell. I had a visit from my mom's best friend Carol. She showed up at my door with a box of food and the name of churches to try. We spent the weekend shopping at thrift stores (one of Carol's favorite hobbies) and tried a new church.
Carol was one of my Sunday school teachers and a woman who loves whole heartily and generously. Her friendship to my family was such a precious gift growing up. My brother and I called her 'Buddy' because she was so special, she also always called us her buddy. Many times, adults can fake caring for kids but not Carol. To know her is to know her love. She is one of those people who truly examples how Jesus calls us to love. That weekend, Carol simply loved as best as I would let her. She knocked and knocked at my heart and we had long conversations, many uncomfortable and challenging to the anger I had allowed to envelope me. As she left that weekend she told me "I will pray you stop being anger at God and let him love you."
Big old crack in my shell!
I wish I could tell you that my story was a simple turn right that moment and I stopped being angry at God but it wasn't that easy. Anger can be so consuming when you live it for so many years. It was a slow process to allow God back into my life. I know now I was angry at the one who could take all my anger and never leave me or stop loving me. He is passionate for me and used so many moments in my life to chip away at my shell.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
The only thing that separated me from God was me. I chose to allow my anger to be a door between my heart and the greatest love I will ever know. I wish I could say right now I will never be angry at God again but I can't. I know anger is this disease which can creep back. I pray regularly that I seek him and cling to him, that I sing his praises and I love like his son. I still have so many challenges and adventures to come. I thank God for Carol and many more who loved me in spite of me and saw past my shell. I thank God for mending my heart and leading me home.
Because you've always stood up for me,
I'm free to run and play.
I hold on to you for dear life,
and you hold me steady as a post.
Psalm 63:7-8
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